Drudging Grudges

Rowmantic SidewalkEw. Put me out of my misery already.

Just kidding! Deep breaths… Positive energy… Gratitude… Happiness… Love…

Right!

Sometimes things happen (good thing I’m here to tell you that, right?). And sometimes bad things happen. And sometimes we’re the cause of those bad things (basically, anyway). Sometimes we lose sight of ourselves, and get caught up in our emotions, and as a result can end up hurting our relationships with people; lovers and friends.

It sucks. But it happens.

It’s important to realize that, being human beings, we just do this. It’s not something that is 100% avoidable, and will probably happen at one point or another – at least once. And since we can’t avoid it, our only option is to learn how to handle it after it happens, in the most skillful way possible.

How, you might ask?

Well, first of all, it’s important to realize what’s going on. Assess the situation, and figure out where you and the other person are coming from, emotionally and mentally speaking. Let’s say you did something stupid that ended up hurting your relationship with your boyfriend, and he’s been holding it against you for a few days and won’t let it go. Take some time to figure out why what you said hurt him, and how it might be affecting him. Try to sympathize with him, and understand how he might be feeling. You should be close enough to him (or whoever it is) to understand how they work, so this step shouldn’t be too hard. Just do your best!

After you’ve done that, you need to forgive yourself. He’s not going to forgive you yet, but that doesn’t mean you can’t forgive yourself. Doing this will completely shift your energy and your relationship to the situation at hand, and will allow you to more effectively and more clearly maneuver through it.

After you’ve done that, you need to approach him, and apologize as sincerely as you can. Let him know that you honestly and sincerely regret hurting him, and that you weren’t acting out of a place of clarity. If you are truly sincere and apologetic, he will see it and sense it. And after that, the rest is up to him. Scary, right? Well I’ll talk about that next.

Let’s say you’re in your boyfriend’s position (I apologize to anyone who is struggling relating to this particular example). You are the one that is hurt, and you feel so victimized that you just won’t let your grudge go (this is a slightly more difficult position to be in, and boy, do I know all about it!). You feel so strongly about the injustice that has been done to you that the idea of forgiving that person seems out of the question. I’ve been in this position many, many, many times, and I know how challenging it can be to bring peace to.

Letting go and forgiveness are going to be necessary, key tools for resolving this situation. Allow yourself to feel the negative emotions, and whatever negative thoughts come up regarding the other person, and just feel them. Get angry. Get mad. Get unhappy – but keep it to yourself. Let these feelings come up, exist for a while, and then Let. Them. Go! Be kind to yourself and do yourself a favor by shrugging off all the yucky stuff. It happened, it’s there, you felt it, it’s hung out for a while, now it’s time for it to go. There’s no point holding onto it, and the only thing it’s going to do is cause more harm and more sadness. You may not to practice doing this, because it’s challenging, but it’s an invaluable practice, and something everyone should learn how to do.

After you’ve done that, you need to forgive the other person. Make it clear to them what happened, how it made you feel, how much it hurt you, and anything else that may have come up because of it. You have the right to communicate those things to that person, and it’s important that you do, but only if you are ready to let it go and forgive them.

I hope this was helpful to you, and I hope it helps you resolve some of those nasty situations we can potentially find ourselves in. Don’t underestimate the power of love, forgiveness and communication! Thank you!!

Yours truly,

Rowmantic.

Rowmantic

 

Love Letter

Dear ____________

   I wish that I could see you.Loveletter

I’ve been standing alone in my room for hours by the window, watching and listening to the rain falling outside. It’s dark, but I can see clearly these images of you, flashing vibrantly and painfully through my mind.

There’s something hollow about these memories that are dancing through my head. I’m seeing you laugh, hearing you cry, and feeling you touch me. Every moment is raw and painful. Broken, yet vividly whole. Too much to hold onto yet too painful to let go of.

It’s Valentine’s day, and I’m writing this for you because I couldn’t suppress my thoughts or feelings any longer. They said I would move on, get stronger, and forget you. I wonder if those people are saying that to convince themselves just as much as they are trying to convince me. Maybe they feel the same way I do, deep down inside.

Enough time has past for me to have forgotten you, but no matter how much time passes, I can’t seem to ever let you go. There’s so much I want to tell you. There’s so much I want to ask you. There are so many feelings that I want you to know that I feel. But it will always remain an unfulfilled desire.

Because I’ll never be able to see you again. I’ll never be able to talk to you again.

And you won’t ever read this letter. Because it’s crumpled at the bottom of my trash can.

Happy Valentine’s Day…

Be My Valentine

Valentine

…because I’m lonely.

Just kidding!

Well, I’m not kidding. But that is one of the things I want to talk about on this super happy day of super love.I want to make two suggestions today. One for those of you who are in relationships, and one for those of us who aren’t.

For those of you who are in a relationship, I want you to completely focus on love. You might be saying “Oh really? No kidding”, and that’s okay. Because while it seems like a no brainer, it’s easier said than done. I want you to make an extra effort (even though it shouldn’t be effort) to be caring, appreciative, loving, understanding, and joyful to your significant other. Don’t let anything get in the way of being those things. For example, if you start feeling upset about something, or angry at your significant other, JUST LET IT GO! Let. It. Go. There’s nothing more awful then letting something stupid interrupt the holiday of love. Trust me, it’s pretty sad. I’ve been there.

Anyway, I want you to practice letting go of anything negative. Just practice it all day long. Enjoy your time with the person(s) you love, and don’t let anything get in the way of that!

For those of you who aren’t in a relationship…

Isn’t it tragic to think that someone might be alone or single on Valentine’s day? Well, it’s not. What’s tragic is all of the people who are alone on Valentine’s day, and spend the entire day in a pit of self-loathing and self-pity, cursing this lovely holiday because of their own lack of a love-life. It’s as if Valentine’s day is a holiday for both love and loathing at the same time. Kind of ironic, don’t you think? Well, I won’t tolerate it, and the first person I hear complain about it, I plan to smite. With love.

I was even considering going downtown and setting up a kiosk offering inexpensive make-out sessions for lonely women. But my friends and family thought it probably wasn’t the best idea, so I pulled the cord on that one. So much for my genius, eh…

On a holiday like Valentine’s day, it’s so easy to get caught up in all the negative aspects of love and relationships when you aren’t in love or a relationship. And I don’t blame you for doing so, because it’s it does serve as a pretty cold, hard reminder to some of us that we are alone. Which isn’t true. We may not have a girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, but we have ourselves, and we deserve to love ourselves. I’m going to say it one more time: WE. DESERVE. TO LOVE. OURSELVES! 

I want you to take the focus off of relationships (or lack thereof) and focus on yourself. Do everything you would do for your significant other, but do it for yourself instead! Buy yourself flowers, go out to eat dinner, treat yourself to some chocolate, do the things you most enjoy, and spend time with the people you love most. Clear out all that negativity or unhappiness inside of you, and replace it with love! And don’t just stop with yourself; do nice things for your friends and family, too! I promise you, it will completely transform your day. And if it doesn’t, feel free to send me a message telling me so, and I will personally send you a bouquet of flowers as an apology. Though I don’t think I’ll be sending anyone flowers because I’m just that confident that it will work! I’m going to be doing everything I just suggested you do, and it will make my Valentine’s day so much better knowing that there are other people out there doing the same thing!

So, express love to yourself, and the people around you. Don’t underestimate the power of doing so. And if you are saying to yourself “yeah, yeah, I get it” but don’t actually do it, then  you’re doing yourself a disservice! So get your love on, and get it on good!

And just as a reminder, I LOVE YOU for reading my blog and supporting what I do, and for supporting my mission to spread love, mindfulness, and peace to every relationship and person I can. Thank you, thank you, THANK you!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Yours truly,

Rowmantic.

Red

Don’t Take Me for Granted!

Or I might go weep myself to sleep under an oak tree whilst gazing through my teary haze at the melancholy sky, painted with the nostalgic dreams held within the vibrant, luminescent stars.

Or not. But you get my point.

Nobody likes being taken for granted. I’m pretty sure you certainly don’t like it. And I don’t like it either. It’s kind of like being single and heartbroken; nobody likes it (unless you really love eating ice cream out of the container and watching romantic movies in your pajamas. Alone. In the dark. With no one there to cradle you in their loving arms).

Okay, that just got really depressing really quickly. But now that I’ve finished crying, I’m going to continue.

It’s a bad feeling. Especially when someone you love starts taking you for granted. This happens a lot in relationships (romantic and platonic, but we’re going to talk about this in regards to romance). It takes a lot of awareness and a pretty open mind to be able to not take your significant other for granted. When you really like who someone currently is, and how they act and behave, and how you relate to each other, it’s easy to just assume that that’s how it’s always going to be. And then it changes. And that’s when you’re supposed to freak out. Or hopefully not freak out, which is the result I’m hoping to help you achieve after reading this post.

You need to understand that people change. Everyone does. It is completely, utterly and universally impossible not to, and somehow that’s terrifying to a lot of people. Why? I don’t know. People are out of control. I gave up trying to understand their irrational fears long ago. All I can say is that I’m glad I came from space. I don’t think I could handle being human.

Now that we’ve accepted the fact that people will change, we need to remember that our significant others are people too (whoa, groundbreaking discovery, Row), and therefore they will also be changing. And that may or may not be a difficult thing for you to deal with. I’ve experienced first hand the challenges of having your significant other change, so I understand how difficult it can be. And while that’s happening, it’s easy to become confused and conflicted. We start experiencing minor conflicts of which can be frustrating, because we don’t know what the source of the conflict is.

Probably the worst thing about this is that we start going about fixing these problems in the wrong way, and that just adds a whole level of chaos to the mix. For example, say your significant other isn’t as clingy as they used to be, or they start dressing differently, or they start relating to you in a different way. They might be ways that you aren’t completely fond of or comfortable with, or you might think that they don’t love you as much as they used to, or your opinion doesn’t matter anymore, and therefore you might try confronting them about it and sabotage these changes because you don’t like them.

DON’T DO IT!

The minute you start confronting these changes in a selfish, negative way, the minute everything starts falling apart. What’s happening is that this person is changing, naturally, as an individual person. You can’t stop them, and if you do, you will be making them unhappy. You can’t prevent someone from changing, and if you try to, you will be very disappointed, and ultimately may end up heartbroken at some point or another.

strongly encourage you to approach this situation with as much openness and mindfulness as possible. Instead of trying to hold your significant other back, make an effort to allow them to change. It may be uncomfortable and it may not always go your possibly selfish way, but you can’t stop it, and you shouldn’t try to. If you really don’t like who a person is becoming, then you may have to (as very unfortunate as it may be) let that person go, and find someone who is vibrating more on your level. On a more positive note, in some cases change can be a really wonderful thing for relationships…but I know that that isn’t always the case. And unfortunately, if it’s not, there’s no painless way to handle this situation. It can be emotionally challenging and painful, but we can learn to handle it in the best way possible. Welcome to the world of relationships!

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, please “like” it, and leave a comment (don’t be shy). Also, if you want updates on more cool posts about how to have more mindful and happy relationships, then please click the follow button. Thank you for your support!

Yours truly,

Rowmantic.

Red

Having Different Ideas of Relationships

“HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!? How could anyone have different ideas of relationships than I do?”

It’s possible, and very likely. Get over it.

One of the biggest sources of conflict in a romantic relationship is the contrast of ideas from person to person. When you get two people together who both need and want certain things, and have particular ideas about how each person should behave (and what they should contribute to the relationship), it can cause confusion, misunderstanding, and other unhappy things. Great, right? Nope. Not great. If you think that’s great, then you’re probably masochistic; and THAT’S OKAY! But, if so, then this post probably isn’t for you (but read it anyway!).

It’s so, so, so very important to be mindful of you and your significant other’s differences in beliefs and ideas. You need to be sensitive to how the other person might be thinking, feeling, and what they might need from the relationship as an individual. Probably one of the worst things you can do is assume that your significant other thinks like you do, and feels the same way you do. Chances are, they don’t.

So, how can you contribute to the functionality and well being of your relationship?

Ask questions. Be open. Be mindful, Be curious. Be supportive. Be understanding! Make an effort to learn about the other person, and how they think and feel. Don’t try to own that person, or think that they need to be a certain way or act a certain way just because you want them to, or think they should (unless it’s genuinely and honestly for the better of the big picture). That’s wrong, and impossible; especially if you want your relationship to be meaningful and last longer than one birthday.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to have an open and understanding mind in regards to your significant other (and in general, obviously). Practicing this could result in your relationship being so much more wonderful, fulfilling, healthy, happy, and longer lasting! Sounds awesome, right? Well, it is. So go do it. And thank you for doing so!

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” it, leave a comment (don’t be shy!), and follow me to get updates on more awesome posts about how to have a better and more functional relationship, written by me (obviously)! Thank you so much for reading and for your support.

Yours truly,

Rowmantic.

Red

The Comfortable Comfort Zone!

Yes! I am talking about your bed!…

…no, not really. I’m talking about a different comfort zone.

You might be saying “Awesome! I love being comfortable! Tell me more about this magical zone of comfort you speak of!”.

If you are saying that, then I love you, and you are a miracle.

If you aren’t saying that, then you are probably normal and not entirely clueless, but I still love you and you are still a miracle (I mean, obviously, if you are reading my blog).

The “Comfort Zone” is a place we’re all familiar with. It’s that nice little place where there’s not much of the following: change, challenge, growth, excitement, passion, ambition, or anything good, really. It’s a nice little place where we can just sit tight and not worry about anything (even though we probably worry anyway), but in addition to being comfortable, it can also be a big fat trap! While in this…zone of comfort…it’s easy to stop caring about certain things of importance. And moreso than being comfortable, it can be harmful – especially in the context of a romantic relationship.

How, you might ask?

I don’t know. Google-search it? Who do you think I am, a relationship-advice-giver-person?

…Okay, so maybe I am. And Google-searching it would be pointless because I’m not on the top pages of Google yet, so you would just be flooded with a bunch of really boring search results.

So instead I’ll just tell you right here, right now, because that’s what I’m supposed to be doing anyway.

Now that my ADHD has calmed down (just kidding, I don’t really suffer from ADHD…I think…), I’ll get to the good stuff (or the “even better” stuff, rather) and cut the cake.

This notorious location, notoriously dubbed the notorious “Comfort Zone”, is notorious for potentially (and probably) creating many undesirable feelings and circumstances, such as boredom, apathy, dysfunctionality (I don’t think this is technically a word, but I like how it sounds), dissatisfaction, and possibly conflict. In a relationship, it’s pretty easy to get to this point, when you start opening up to one another about everything, and you start sharing everything under the sun, and the lady stops caring about looking nice for her man and doesn’t ever bother dressing up, and the man stops caring about things such as taking his lady out on dates, or other potentially worse things (not that anything could be worse than not going on dates…). Now, these might all seem like pretty superficial things, or you might be saying “well, my lover and I do these things and we’re happy as can be”. If that is the case, then MORE POWER TO YOU, and keep being cool like awesome-sauce over cool-beans. Though unfortunately, that’s not always the case, and if you are anything like me (which you probably aren’t, but just in case) then you’ve probably experienced some of these negative side-effects of being in this “Comfort Zone”, and have probably come to realize that these “superficial” things aren’t quite as superficial as they seem.

Whoa…that was deep…

What I mean by this, is that when we let our guards down and ourselves go completely, and start relating to our significant other as though they are an extension of us, and not a separate person, it’s pretty easy to fall into a pattern of neglecting the small things, which are ultimately important things that have more influence than you might think.

…if this gets any deeper we’ll need diving suits and oxygen tanks…

You’re probably wondering if this post is going to end, or if I’m just going to continue spewing out endless words of uncensored and irrelevant genius. Well! I have news for you. It is indeed (unfortunately) going to end, but before it does, I am going to share with you some advice on how to (if you want to) avoid this notorious “Comfort Zone”, and how to get out of it if you ever end up in it!

Being respectful of each other is so important. It’s easy to lose that basic level of respect for one another. It just is. As relationships progress and develop, sometimes there are moments, and things that happen that can impact them in negative ways, and those things can chip away at such important things as respect and trust. It’s important to realize this, and it’s important to utilize forgiveness in these situations. If a couple is able to forgive each other more, then they will be able to respect each other more. I guarantee you this pattern of forgiveness and respect will be a strong force for keeping the “Comfort Zone” out of the picture. Treat each other as strong, beautiful, amazing individuals, and you will have a strong, amazing, and beautiful relationship.

On a more shallow (but still relevant) note (and we know how deep the superficial things can be), there are small things you can do to keep things moving in a positive direction. For example, surprise your girlfriend by asking her out to dinner and going for a nice walk somewhere, or dress up pretty for your boyfriend and do something nice for him (…no, that’s not what I meant…), or just think of little things you could do that would be nice little positive gestures, to show that you are always thinking of your significant other and caring enough to want to make an effort. Always keep things in motion, and always keep things moving (did I say that already?). Never let them settle completely, or it could lead to a place of unhappiness and dissatisfaction – and nobody wants that!

While these are just a few foundational “tactics” to implement, they are powerful and effective. I encourage you to take some of the concepts I presented, and do some brainstorming of your own to figure out what would be best in your personal situation. As always, if you need this explained in more depth, or just need some more ideas, or help understanding the content (due to my sporadically helpful and incohesive writing style), feel free to hop (or bop, your choice) on over to the “Contact” page, and send me some fan mail…I mean, a message, and I will respond as quickly as I can, and help you as best I can. Thank you so much for reading, and remember to “like” this post if you enjoyed it, and follow me if you want to read more fun and useful posts about relationships – written by ME! Also, share this with your friends and family if you think they would enjoy/benefit from it. Your support is so, so, so greatly appreciated, and I love you for it.

Keep being a loving, kind, and aware person, and help me make the world a better place by making your relationship a better place to be in. Thank you for doing so!~

Yours truly,

Rowmantic.

Red

You Don’t Have to Win to Win

to win to win to win to win.

…right… Sorry; I mesmerized myself and got carried away (…story of my life…).

Anyway, what I want to talk about tonight is winning. …because I love winning…

…no, not really. Well, I do like to come out on top usually, but that’s not what I really want to talk about.

What I really want to talk about is…well, I still want to talk about winning, but in a context a little more complicated than simply winning or losing. I’m going to talk about it in the context of…wait for it… arguments! Did you gasp? Because I certainly did.

I’m talking about relationships again. Weird, right? Yeah, so anyway…this is important, so listen closely!

This is somewhat related to what I talk about in one of my previous posts about Logic vs Emotion (if you haven’t read it, I recommend reading it. Obviously.), when I mention taking responsibility for situations to create peace. A lot of the time the most important thing to us in an argument is winning. Proving the other person wrong, or stubbornly standing our ground until the other person gives up – or worse! (I think “worse” is usually what ends up happening though…so, basically you’ll probably want to pay attention to what I say). So, it’s easy to get caught up in this little “I’m right, you’re wrong” war. In fact, it’s so easy to get caught up in it that sometimes we even forget why we’re even warring over it to begin with! How bogus is that? Even so, we still have this grand idea that it’s definitely still worth fighting over (cool). At a certain point, this war has to end, and it could either end really badly, or as peacefully as possible. I think we all want the latter to be the result, and if you do, then there’s one completely simple, and seemingly easy (but nothing in these situations is easy) thing you can do to avoid all of this unnecessary fighting, arguing, and bickering (and more possibly worse things, like heartbreak, tears, broken limbs, flying sheep, etc).

Like I said, sometimes winning seems even more important to us than being at peace with each other and (hopefully) living in loving harmony with one another (sounds so lovely and packed full of Care Bear-love and rainbows, right?). One of the most important, responsible, and effective things you can in this situation is to let yourself, as an individual, lose, so that you and your lover, as a couple, can win (I think there were probably like six-too-many commas in that sentence, but just roll with it, please and thank you).You need to sacrifice your pride, and your unrelenting desire and need to prove something. It takes a pretty amazing person to throw their ego aside so that they can create peace with their significant other/person/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/love minion/whatever they are, but everyone has the power inside of them to do so. Be strong, and do the better thing by throwing your own selfish needs away for the sake of your relationship. The only things that needs to be present are love, understanding, acceptance, and a little healthy dose of jealousy aaaaaaand maybe a healthy little dose of tension as well (I’m sure I’m missing seven or eight other things, but we’ll just go with those for now).

Thank you for reading, and I hope that this was helpful to you in some way! The next time you find yourself in an argument with your loved one, be mindful of why you are arguing, what it’s accomplishing, and how you can be the peacemaker and save you and your loved one a lot of unnecessary hurt, and potentially your future. So! On that positive note, I’m going to sign off and wish you all a lovely, lovely evening full of…well, whatever you want, honestly…

If you enjoyed this post, please like it and leave a comment (don’t be shy!)! Also, if you want to be notified of more awesome posts written by…me, obviously…then join me in my journey to bettering the world of romance by clicking on one of those pretty “follow” buttons! Your support is always greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Yours truly,

Rowmantic.

Red